talked to the nicest guy at JCPenny today :)) I love when workers spark a conversation and it’s nice and genuine and not awkward at all
I feel very vulnerable tonight. I feel like I want someone to sketch me after they fuck me and also like I want to practice ballet completely alone in a very large studio with the sun shining through the windows.
god, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. nothing feels okay at all. I can feel the sadness in every square inch of my heart. my bones ache like someone took a hammer to them. I don’t know how much longer I can keep taking visits from this feeling before I just give up forever.
perks of killing myself:
-don’t have to worry about college
-don’t have to spend the rest of my life alone bc no one cares about me
-don’t have to get yelled every fucking day by my mother
-don’t have to keep disappointing everyone all the fucking time
-no more crying
-no more pain
-no more breathing
the best poem i’ve ever written was written about a girl that i only liked for about two weeks and now shes engaged to the guy she stopped talking to me for so yea i’d say that upsets me a little
everything just getting really shitty again
I cannot believe tomorrow is my last band competition ever. I’ve been doing marching band since I was in seventh grade and I’m all grown up now and supposed to be moving on with my life and have my shit together but everything’s pretty much a mess. I can’t believe I’m a senior and even tho the school year is only like a quarter of the way done, with the end of band season, it feels like everything’s all over. it’s scary because I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I’m so scared to take on anything because I can’t handle failure. I’m gonna miss band so fucking much. it’s engrained in my heart like its really the only thing I don’t completely suck at. it’s what I live for and there’s nothing that makes me happier and it’s all over and I’m gonna cry for probably three weeks straight starting tomorrow.
also I’m starting to get slightly sad again about life in general which scares me a lot but maybe I can catch it before it gets too bad idk lets hope for the best
goodnight guys, I love you. I hope everything is going well, and if not, you can always shoot me a message.
it was the best day ever and I cannot recall a day where I was this happy about life. so it started out pretty crappy, I had to get up early for band bc we had a competition today but then it wasn’t that bad and our assistant director who usually pisses me off was talking to us and he just said all this great stuff that made me remember why I’m in band and why I keep coming back. I love it so much and I love the people and just when I was really losing hope for the season, I rediscovered the feelings band gives me and why I’ve stuck around so long. I have a new found love for my section who, up until this point, has made me want to rip my hair out. we had bonding time and we told stories about old band seasons and bounced around to keep ourselves warm and they made me cry bc I’m going to miss them so fucking much. we went around telling everyone in band about how we are best friends and it probs pissed most of them off but it was fun. we talked about so much stuff and I learned a lot about them. our actual show kinda sucked but we were the only ones in our group for tonight so we got first anyways lol. it was at Cherokee, which has so many memories for me. everything just came rushing back and it was honestly a lot for me to handle emotionally (bc I’m a wreck) and i just cannot believe its my senior year :(( and then on the way home I cuddled with two super awesome people and we talked about why life is so hard but why it’s so worth it and everything was just so nice and also I went up on the catwalk in my schools theater and almost cried?? but it was cool. i don’t even care that I missed a party that pretty much the whole senior class went to because I missed it for band and I was around people I fucking love and that’s way more important that anything else in life ever. especially a party.
this was so long and rambly and it isn’t even intended for people to read I’m just so tired and stupid right now but I want to remember this day forever so this is me documenting it
SATs in the morning and then straight to my band competition in South Brunswick :(( I probably won’t be on at all tomorrow but I love you guys a lot(: goodnight!
I really just want someone to hold me and kiss me and touch me inappropriately
sitting in on an 8 am college class tomorrow wow I hope my anxiety doesn’t act up too terribly. so it’s my second visit and I really think this is where I’m going to end up. my mom has a meeting with financial aid so they can give her an estimate to see if we can afford it and I really hope we can bc when I see myself at college, this is exactly where I picture myself so wish me luck!
everything is too stressful and 98% of my stress is bc of my mother I just can’t take this anymore.. will I ever be fucking good enough? probably not, no.
guys, first day of senior year tomorrow!! :) :( :?
ahh i’ve lost so many followers this past week :( im really sorry guys but my internet is down at my house so i haven’t been able to get on tumblr :/ im at my grandmas now but when i get home i wont be able to post. i’ll try to set up a queue but im supposed to be working on my college apps so idk how much i can fill it.. again, im really sorry guys :((